2003-01-03

Funny, just yesterday I was thinking to myself, �Hmm, I haven�t had a single embarrassing wipe-out yet this winter. I must be due.� Man, I wish I could use my psychic powers for good and not�stupid. Of course, today on my way to the bus stop I lost my footing and did the whole arms-windmilling, legs-flying-out-from-under-me bail in front of the rush hour transit crowd. I am the picture of grace, except that I�m the �this is your grace on drugs� version.

So, the ongoing saga of Spank Monkey. I know you�re all dying to hear the latest. (Now and then I feel something resembling guilt for mocking him in a public forum, but then I think �PORN!� and it goes away.) My sister was in an absolute snit this morning after he left. Apparently Mr. Monkey made the suggestion that he get himself a bachelor apartment downtown, and that my sister PAY him something like a hundred bucks a month to stay there sometimes, on top of what she�s paying for our apartment. Keep in mind he suggested this while IN our apartment, at which he crashes constantly, and for which he does not pay one red cent. The same apartment out of which he moved with no notice, leaving me in a financial bind right before Christmas. The same apartment for which I charged him less than his share while he lived here because I was trying to be nice. The same apartment from which he CONTINUES to make long-distance phone calls virtually every day without paying for them, while living WITH HIS PARENTS and therefore PAYING NO RENT. What a fucking prize this guy is. I do hope my sister holds on to this one and that we finally hear wedding bells, because at least that way when they break up he�ll have to pay alimony.

On top of this ludicrous suggestion, Spanky has been generally irritating for the past few days, so my sister needs a break. I�m taking her out tonight to the local tiki lounge for neon-hued Glucose Soup cocktails, guaranteed to take relationship worries off her mind tonight and the lining off her stomach tomorrow. Don�t you guys wish I was YOUR sister?