2004-06-23

I�m breaking exciting new ground in the field of psychology � I�ve discovered a new phobia. I�ve coined it Goodfellaphobia: the fear that somewhere, somehow, when I least expect it, Ray Liotta is going to get me.

Christ almighty, that guy is just getting scarier as he ages. The other day I saw a movie on an Imax screen, and before the feature started, they played a super-long extended version of the new Heineken ad. I was cowering in my seat � the giant, towering, two-story Ray Liotta was just too much for me. His face is just off, somehow. It�s like he�s had dramatic reconstructive surgery after a horrible accident, and they couldn�t quite get everything to line up properly. And when he does that menacing �I am the gleeful agent of your impending doom� laugh, it looks like his jaw is completely unhinged, as though he�s some sort of inhuman snake/alien creature. I tell you, it�s fucking unsettling. I don�t know � ever since I saw him eat his own brain, I haven�t been able to shake the feeling that something is profoundly wrong with that guy.

Here�s an amusing mal-entendre for you: waiting for the ferry in Wales, I was killing time in a pub, and I could swear, although I�m positive it was just my brain defectively interpreting the thick Welsh accent, but I could swear I overheard a guy say the words �Benny Hilfiger�. That is so bizarre and fantastic I don�t even know what to do with it. It makes me imagine droopy-trousered, swaggering Gangsta bad-asses doing ham-fisted physical comedy. And I�m the happier for it, I can tell you.