2004-04-14

Last night after my yoga class*, I went out for coffee at the local fair trade organic coffee bistro to relax my aching chakras. Unfortunately, I got my dharma all in a twist as I was forced to witness a bizarre public display of affection taking place at the next table. The young couple in question spent the entire duration of my stay with their heads glued together, sitting oddly still, causing me to speculate that they were perhaps a set of conjoined twins joined at the face, or a pair of freaky outer-space symbiotic parasites who could survive the Earth�s atmospheric conditions only by continuously ingesting each other�s saliva. Yucky!

Here�s something else that is gross and yet boring: Maintenance seems to have souped up the plumbing here in the building. The toilets now flush with a deafening turbo-enhanced �whoooosh,� threatening to suck in any loose objects in the vicinity like shiny porcelain black holes. I live in fear that the flush mechanism will somehow be triggered while I�m sitting on the loo, sending me down the pipes and dumping me ass-first in the sewer, where I�ll be forced to fend for myself among the feral rats and mutants and sundry freaky face-sucking symbiotic space parasites. I�ll quickly establish dominance over the subterranean minions by using my finely-honed yoga skills, like my ability to reach down and form a garrotte from my shoelaces without bending my knees. I knew being bendable would come in handy someday!

*Wow. I never thought I�d start an anecdote that way. It used to be a running joke with me that all my anecdotes started with, �The other night when I was loaded��; I also held the position, which I still maintain, that being a drunk is inherently superior to being a stoner, if only because potheads NEVER have any amusing pot-related anecdotes to relay. All marijuana anecdotes are circular, pointless, and can be summed up in the words, ��and so we got really stoned,� whereas drunken anecdotes are full of punching! And fucking! And possibly stuffed monkeys! Although if you really want to keep an audience spellbound, it�s hard to top heroin anecdotes: my erstwhile friend Lanny actually had a story that began, �I was lugging my friend�s body to the hospital one day�� To sum up: healthy people are boring. I am boring. To compensate for my lack of amusing/humiliating experiences, I�m finding myself forced to develop opinions, and that�s just asking for trouble.