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2004-04-13

Four whole days without updating! I felt all weird and squirrely inside. It�s good to be back, bearing tidings of tedium. My long weekend was�long. And a little bit weekendy. And that�s pretty much all she wrote. I did learn, however, that books are heavy, as I began the arduous task of trundling my entire book collection off to used bookstores, one backpack-full at a time, a process akin to emptying a swimming pool with a teaspoon. Motherfuck I have a lot of books, and Christ on a cracker it hurts to get rid of them, both literally and otherwise. Without its buttresses of books, my life feels wobbly and aimless: because who am I, really, without my copy of The Encyclopaedia of Airbrush Techniques?

I�ll tell you who I am: I Am an Editor. I�m experiencing near-physical agony right now, as two people in the next cubicle revise aloud a new set of program guidelines, making ALL THE WRONG comments about the writing. �Don�t you find that this part is choppy?� I�ll choppy your fucking hands off! Give me that piece of ungrammatical dreck, and go back to your cave, troglodyte! Argh!

I swear, the overwhelming chunk of my daily workplace agony would be eliminated if I could only go deaf. I can�t stand hearing stupid people discuss stupid things; and around here, �Stupid People Discussing Stupid Things� might as well be emblazoned above the entrance to the building, in giant misspelled type. I work in the SPDST Institute. The Ministry for Stupid Talk. Land of the Chattering Asshats. I�d boost my joie de vivre significantly if I invested in a pair of earplugs, but without the circus of blathering inanity that takes place here every day, and my resulting mental anguish, what would I amuse you with? I sacrifice my sanity for you! I�ll be billing you for my therapy shortly.

Hey, does anyone remember that moment of pure genius when Tampax adopted the slogan, �Making periods more convenient�one box at a time�? More importantly, do you remember how brief it was? I think the ads ran for about a week, after which they were hastily yanked from the air, much to my disappointment. It�s a marvel to me that this ad campaign managed to be approved by all the upper marketing echelons of a major company without one single person thinking, �Box�box. Is lewd vaginal double-entendre really the angle we�re looking for here?� It�s heartening, somehow, that an entire squadron of marketing executives can simultaneously experience such a massive mental lapse. It makes you believe in God again, you know?

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