2003-10-15

I like the new girl a lot, as far as these things go. I do! She�s around my age; she�s pleasant; she doesn�t wear obnoxious perfume; she hasn�t once pinned me beneath an onslaught of anecdotes about her children � heck, as far as I know, she doesn�t even have children. In short, she�s nothing at all like your average government employee, and that suits me just fine.

But a fast learner she is not. Trying to get anything to stick in her brain is like trying to glue live goldfish together with Crisco. I�ve answered the same question so many times that I�m starting to wonder if I somehow died while slacking off at my post and have been condemned to a horrible Hammurabian purgatory. My encouraging, �you�re not a hopeless imbecile! Not at all!� smile, which was rusty from disuse, is now rusty from being permanently plastered to my face, leaving me with very rusty features indeed: I�m sort of like the Tin Man, except that instead of having no heart, I have, you know, no soul. And no patience! Forsooth, I am not cut out for this! All this diplomatic non-screaming of foul profanities is giving me a cramp. It is clearly stated in my operating manual that I am NOT to be left unsupervised with children or stupid people, lest I become a danger to myself and others. If I have to explain the online tracking system ONE MORE TIME, I�m going to�complain about it some more. Uh oh, my hyperbole mechanism is stuck. Someone fetch my grease tin.