2003-09-09

Why My Boss is Annoying, by Robin

Here are a few bullet points, just so you can get the basic idea and I don�t have to coagulate my loathing into coherent paragraphs:

1. When she�s thinking, she whistles between her teeth � not a tune, which would be, well, pretty horrible considering her taste in music, but just that random �I�m thinking here!� atonal noise. Fuckity.

2. When she�s reading, she not only moves her finger along under the words, but actually whispers them aloud, which is a GIANT step up the Irritation Scale from just mouthing along, which would be fairly unforgivable on its own.

3. She does a lot of thinking and reading in my office. (See points 1. and 2.) Every time there�s an issue or a problem, rather than just call out her questions, Waltons-style, across the fully sound-permeable cubicle divider that divides our workspaces, or better yet, assume I�m taking care of things properly because I�m not a half-wit, she comes barging into my office uninvited and sits down, then proceeds to show me the e-mail/briefing note/dry cleaning bill/WHATEVER she�s having a problem with, reading it out loud to herself like a giant pituitary freak of a first-grader.

4. She thinks I care about her life. How this is possible I don�t know, considering the painstakingly-rendered displays of frigid apathy I�ve showered upon her in the past, but somehow, she remains under the vexing delusion that I care about her home renovations, how her daughter is doing in school, her vacation plans, what she watches on TV, and so fucking forth ad nauseam, emphasis on the nauseam. Last week she showed me vacation pictures from her camping trip to Gasp�sie. Featured sights included other people�s kids, the interior of a fish farm, and the highway (I am not making this up). These bullet points are getting pretty long.

The biggest problem I have with my boss is as follows: she cares about her job. As completely out of my frame of reference as this is, it would be fine with me as a sort of novelty, as viewed from the standpoint of a casual bystander. HOWEVER. She, being a motivated and earnest employee of the federal government, assumes that those who surround her take the same �110 percent�, that is to say, inherently illogical, attitude towards their work, myself included. Again, I don�t understand how she arrived at this conclusion, but arrive she has, with a bullet, and this tragic misunderstanding leads to conversations like the following (except imagine her part all in French. It�s funnier that way, and also, she�s French). For ease of reference, I�ll call her �Stupidhead�:

Stupidhead (barging into Robin�s office): Did you assign the latest briefing request?

Me: Yes. [Because that is my job.] I assigned it to Program Delivery.

Stupidhead: Did you do a search in the Common System under the project name?

Me: No.

Stupidhead: Did you do a search in WebCIMS?

Me: No.

[Background information: doing online searches in our Department-wide databases basically gives the program officers general information, if there happens to be any, to help them complete briefing requests. It�s helpful, but in my view it�s nothing the officers can�t, or shouldn�t, do themselves � I�m merely a coordinator/editor and not an expert on our programs, which they are, and also, see above. I DON�T CARE.]

Stupidhead: I did a search, and I found this project in the Ontario region � does the name sound familiar to you?

Me: No.

Stupidhead: Well, I don�t think it�s a National project, but do you think maybe we should check with the National unit, just in case?

Me: Um. No.

[This is the point where communication really starts to break down. She is obviously anticipating some sort of gung-ho �beyond the call of duty� antics from me, which are, as anyone who knows me, reads me, or has ever seen or even heard of me can readily attest to, not forthcoming.]

Stupidhead: Why don�t you give the team leader a call? Maybe she�s heard of this.

Me: [ominous sound of encroaching insanity]

Hmm, she�s not coming off as irrational in this dialogue as she does in person. In fact, I�m coming off here as a lazy jackoff, which, although it may be accurate, is not flattering. The point is, I hate her, and you should too. The world will be a better place for it. Trust me.