2003-07-03

Simple rules for corresponding with Robin

I know y�all would love to e-mail me personally (as much as a faceless, voiceless electronic medium of communication can be deemed �personal�). And you know what? I love hearing from you! But if you are among the throngs of fans who harbour a secret hope of someday being Robin�s Special Friend, here�s a tip: Keep it succinct, sugarpants! Yeah! Now, don�t get me wrong � I love reading long, rambling e-mails. But I don�t so much like writing long, rambling e-mails. Ergo, while I will assuredly read and perhaps even enjoy a lengthy missive from you, my beloved readers, the prospect of sitting down and answering every point contained therein makes my attention span expire faster than a kitten in a microwave. (Whoa, did I just type that out loud? Fuck I�m an asshole!) On the other hand, I can respond to short, one-sentence e-mails in ten seconds or less, and the prospect of that kind of barely-registered effort is much less daunting and therefore much more likely to be embarked upon. This is why Brendan gets HUNDREDS OF E-MAILS A DAY from me! Don�t you all want HUNDREDS OF E-MAILS A DAY from Robin? Of course you do! Keep it down to a single sentence, then, or better yet, a single word, preferably one that is made up. �Shizzam!� �McWord!� �Bizznizzlicious!� �Snerk!�

Very few people are fortunate enough to get lengthy e-diatribes from me. Best Friend in Toronto gets them because, well, she�s my best friend, fuckasses; so don�t be tryin� to cut her grass. Other than those e-mails, I don�t generally write at length without the prospect of being paid for it � time is money, people! � or unless the recipient of the correspondence in question is extremely hot. If you are hot, I will write you a series of sonnets, each beginning, in order, with a letter of your name. If it strikes your fancy, I will write a detailed pr�cis of eighteenth-century Ukrainian agricultural practices, with cross-referenced appendices. I will go fucking Dostoyevsky on your ass. I will cover you in hot hot word action. But as for the rest of you: brevity is the soul of wit. And with that, I bid you shut up.