2003-02-26

OK, things are back to normal � I�m making typing noises in my cubicle in a pathetic attempt to appear as though I�m working. What a relief. These past few days have been fun like invasive rectal surgery. I nearly used my Miss Congeniality tiara to gouge out someone�s eye.

I�m amazingly crafty when it comes to skiving off. I can recognize my boss�s footsteps by the noise one of her shoes makes, and when I hear her approaching, I can minimize Damn Hell Ass Kings so fast the human eye cannot follow. I�ve discovered that people assume I�m doing a proofread or something if I have my dictionary open on my lap (�fist-fucking�: now in a Canadian Oxford Dictionary near you. You heard it here fist, folks. Sorry, I mean FIRST). Since my back faces the cubicle door when I�m at my desk, passing supervisors can�t see my copy of A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man if I�m hunched over it, surrounded by vaguely worky-looking documents. Quite frankly, if I dedicated as much energy to doing my job as I do to avoiding doing it, I�d have been elected God by now. But considering that my overarching career goal is to reach retirement with a minimum amount of discomfort, I think I�m actually displaying an impressive amount of single-minded dedication.