2003-02-11

I�m going to give you all a little lesson in Canadian politics. Don�t worry, it ends up with me making vicious fun of someone behind their back on the internet. You won�t get all educated or anything.

When the political party in the position of Official Opposition wants to give shit to the party in power over some issue or other, they call an Opposition Day. The night before an Opposition Day, they give a heads-up about which issue they�re going to make a fuss about, so the concerned ministers can get their ducks in a row and make sure they�re briefed on said issue. This means that a representative from each program area has to stay on standby the night before an Opposition Day, so that if the issue has to do with their programs, they can assemble any pertinent information and rush it on up to the minister�s office. All this to say that every once in a while, someone from my directorate has to stay a little late after work, until they get the call indicating whether the motion has anything to do with our programs.

This morning I was making the rounds trying to find someone to stay on standby for the Opposition Day on Thursday. I stuck my head into the office of one of our senior program officers. �Hey, can you stay on standby tomorrow night?�

�No, sorry.�

�Oh, OK, I�ll ask someone el��

�It�s just that my mom is very, VERY�well, she�s terminally ill, and��

Kill me. �I�m, uh, sorry to hear that.�

��and I don�t know what�s happening from day to day. You know? At this point, she�s still living on her own. So I have to be available as much as I can. Because I never know what�s going to happen, and I don�t know how long�you know. That�s kind of my main concern right now.�

KILL ME NOW. �Yup, OK, I�ll just go ask som��

�And you know? It�s really hard for me to stay late. The other night, I left maybe a MINUTE late? And I missed my bus. It�s the last bus out to where I live. So I had to take the 97, which only comes once an hour, and I ended up not getting home until after 8:00. And since I�m on the bus to come in at 7:30 in the morning, that�s a really fucking long day.�

MOTHER OF GOD KILL ME, FOR FUCK�S SAKE BEFORE I CHEW OFF A LIMB. �Yes. Yes it is.�

This woman should win the gold medal in the Too Much Information Olympics. After thirty seconds I was considering lighting myself on fire just so I�d have a legitimate excuse to run screaming from the office.

Best malapropism on Joe Millionaire last night: �I think that we�ve really gotten to know each other, in lieu of the situation.� In lieu of? That means �instead of�, you barking twit. The word you want is SPITE. Here, you can have some of mine. I�ve got plenty, and lord knows you�ve earned it.