2003-02-03

Holy crap, how disturbing. One of our �special� employees just came into my office, and I swear to God he smelled like cigarettes. How does this guy know how to smoke? Without Velcro he�d be barefoot, but he can handle a lighter?

I nearly kicked the shit out of the photocopier this morning. I hate that fucking thing. I hate that the government can afford to pay a mentally challenged Marlboro Man ten bucks an hour to shuffle correspondence dockets from one office to another, but it can�t afford ONE new photocopier. I think the one we have was actually constructed by the Flintstones, it's so fucking old � inside the machine there�s a little assembly line of monkeys frantically scribbling out copies, with a toucan amusingly inserting staples with its beak.

The thing jams. All the time. (Stupid monkeys!) Every other day I have to go through a whole circus routine to make a fucking photocopy. Press �Start� button. Beep beep beep! Paper jam! Open paper drawer, as per clever self-diagnostic diagram displayed on photocopier�s touch screen. No crumpled paper. Awkwardly hitch skirt, get down on hands and knees. Peer inside paper drawer. Still no obvious impediment in sight. Get up. Slam paper drawer irritably. Re-stack document in feeder. Poke at touch screen to specify that document should be stapled. Poke harder at touch screen, since apparently �touch� is too gentle a word and apparatus should rightly be called �break-your-fucking-finger-jabbing-violently screen�. Press �Start� button. Beep beep beep! Paper jam! Swear. Open paper drawer. Swear at high heeled boots while crawling embarrassingly on floor. Stick hand inside machine. Have visions of horrible hand-mangling gears waiting ominously beneath groping fingertips in bowels of machine. Attempt to reason with machine: �There�s no fucking paper jam, you fucking fuck!� Glance furtively around to verify that no tight-assed authority figures have witnessed outburst. Slam paper drawer hard enough to make photocopier rattle alarmingly. Re-stack document. Stab at touch screen with aching finger. Stab, stab, stab. �Start�. Beep beep beep! Lose mind. Ask admin grunt to make copies.

This week is going to be great.