2003-01-16

I want to get a job writing blurbs for cosmetic products. What a dog-fucker of a job that would be. Once you�ve banged out the basic intended function of the product (soap: cleans face, shampoo: cleans hair), you can make up whatever damn thing you want to elucidate that point, without paying the slightest heed to grammar, clarity, basic scientific fact, or the common sense God gave an artichoke.

There�s some sort of facial cleanser available right now (whose marketing team may wish to note that their ad campaign, despite having IRRITATED me to the point of TYPING IN CAPS, has failed to sow the tiniest germ of product identification in my brain), the big catch line for which is that it boasts a �micronized formula� that apparently makes it a virtual skin care revolution in a bottle. The fact that the spell-check just tried to change that word to �micron zed� (I have no idea�sounds like a Hanna Barbera character with a flying car) is pretty indicative of the legitimacy of that claim. �Micronized� is not a word. And, unlike some other common-parlance combinations of letters that have yet to earn the Oxford stamp of approval (I�m rooting for �fuckbag�, personally), it does not convey any readily-understood meaning. It�s an amorphously kicky-sounding non sequiteur meant to imbue the average consumer with a sense that this product is on the absolute cutting edge of skin-decrudifying technology; whatever that edge happens to be cutting, and it certainly isn�t �the crap�. The only possible meaning of �micronized� that I can come up with is �made up of really, REALLY tiny bits�, and I fail to comprehend what benefit this could have for the overall wellbeing of my epidermis.

Another product, for hair this time, holds the world-wide patent to a �unique moisture-lock system� that will purportedly keep your hair�wet? I don�t know. I can imagine the crack team of scientists slaving away trying to perfect the formulae for these space-age products. �Dammit! The reaction just won�t stabilize! Maybe if I alter the balance of the carbon polymers just slightly�EUREKA! I�ve got it! It�s locking moisture on a sub-follicular level!� Those inquisitive minds are sure contenders for the Nobel Volumizing Prize.