2002-11-12

OK, I'm back to histrionic bitching. Scared y'all for a minute there, didn't I? Not to worry, I don't take anything in life seriously enough to stop talking smack for two consecutive days.

My Directorate needs to stop with the CARDS. Whenever someone leaves the Directorate, they get a card. Maternity leave? Card. Leave of absence? Card. Temporary assignment in another Directorate? Card. Long vacation? Card. GOING DOWN THE HALL TO THE FUCKING BATHROOM? Fucking CARD. I kid you fucking not, I was just asked to sign a goddamn card for someone who's going away on language training for a few months. She's going on TRAINING, for shit's sake! The government is paying for her to take French language training so she can earn her bilingual bonus. It's not like she's been exiled to a gulag in Siberia.

And as if people give a shit when they get these damn things. "Oh, how sweet! How touching! Fifty people I don't give a donkey's dick about cared enough about me to take 0.5 seconds to sign their names next to a barfy poem they didn't write. This poignant symbol of their devotion will keep me warm during those long, cold nights at French language training camp in Novosibirsk." What-fucking-ever. Whenever I'm presented with a card (like every year when I get "surprised" for my birthday, because obviously, when I say "Please don't do anything for my birthday. It makes me uncomfortable. No, really. No singing, no card, no flowers. I'm serious. No, REALLY - I fucking hate it," I'm just being coy), I give my biggest, fakest smile, and after politely displaying the damn thing in my office for a couple of days, I throw it in the trash without even looking at it, because I DON'T CARE.

And when the card patrol comes around, we're usually asked for donations for a gift to go with the prepackaged expression of affected sentiment. I've perfected the "Oh, darn, I don't have any cash on me - can I just drop by your office later?" line, in order to avoid saying what I really mean, which of course is "Oh, darn, I don't actually give a steaming shit about Ethel's French language training - can you just go suck a monkey's ass?"