2005-06-27

So, like, all I wanted to do was commit a simple criminal act, and it turned out to be surprisingly difficult and inconvenient. What�s up with that? Deal is, I�ve finally got broadband at home, yeah? so I figured I�d take advantage of the high-speed world of information at my fingertips and download me some movies. Everyone is doing it, right? I imagined it would be a straightforward point-and-click operation � easy peasy, Bob�s yer uncle, nothing to worry about but my conscience and a small robot army of spyware taking over my hard drive. I did a Google search on something clever like �pirate movie download� and started surfing sites, and, quick as you please, I found a huge database with loads of titles listed. �Damn, I�m like an arch criminal!� I thought proudly as I selected a film I wanted to see and hit the �Download� button. Alas, mine was not to sashay so carelessly down the path to depravity. My computer went all, �No way, bizzotch, you ain�t got the gear to get what I�m givin��, or something along those lines, from which I gleaned that I needed some sort of software package to download the file. Not to be deterred, I launched into an intensive cramming session on a series of grammatically bankrupt hacker forums (oh, sorry, fora), sorting through reams of cryptic messages about seeding torrent files (Dammit Jim, I�m a downloader, not a meteorologist!) and mirror sites and sending/receiving swarms. �I�m through the looking glass now,� I thought with a growing sense of trepidation; still, I soldiered on, and two hours and several massive software installations later, I returned to the pirate database, clicked on my movie title again, and BEHOLD! �Downloading!� boasted my computer. �Take that, fuckers!� I yelled at the prevailing social mores hovering disapprovingly above my right shoulder; then I sat back, folded my arms, and waited smugly to enjoy my ill-gotten spoils. And then I waited some more. Finally I peered at my monitor, inspecting the progress of the file download. �Estimated download time: 5 days 14 hours.� Fugging what? With the same amount of time and effort, I could have worked enough hours at my job to go see the cursed movie three times over. Breaking the law should be easy and quickly rewarded! Otherwise why would anyone do it? I must admit I am highly disappointed, although I am also beginning to suspect that I went about things the hard way, as I so often do. Is there a convenient way to download films, besides peer-to-peer filesharing networks like Kazaa with endless waiting times and swarms of viruses? Please, help me break the law! The spirit is willing, but the brain is weak!