2005-01-21

I hate the way George W. Bush says �America�: it comes out all slurred and inchoate, like a drunken insult. �Amerricuh.� Every time I hear it I want to drive nails into his eyes. I heard some rubbish about his inauguration this morning on the radio at work and immediately shrieked and covered my ears (not fast enough � �a calling from beyond the stars�? Steady on there, Buzz Lightyear!) I am furious that the voice of George Bush has somehow penetrated my media-free bubble. I don�t read the newspaper, even though I work for one; I barely listen to the radio; and I don�t own a television: my friend Mark offered to give me one that he isn�t using, but I�d just seen the episode of The Young Ones where Mr Bastard comes to nick them for not having a TV licence and Vyv has to eat the telly, so I said no � I do love British television, but I don�t think I could eat a whole one. So. I live in a very small world, information-wise, and one in which Dubyah is emphatically Not Allowed.

Because, America, I am NOT SPEAKING TO YOU anymore. You had the chance to get the monkey off your back, and you put him right back in the White House. What is wrong with you? Do you want every single other country in the world to just keep on hating you? They do, you know: now that I�ve got a bit of the European perspective, I can assure you, they hate you. When people meet me and say �Oh are you American� and I say �No actually I�m Canadian� they say �Oh my God I�m SO sorry� as though they�ve inadvertently called my mother a syphilitic whore. But I defend you! I do! I say, �Americans are the nicest people in the world! But their polling stations emit a toxic gas that makes them retarded. It�s very sad.�

Weirdly, do you know what I get asked more than �Oh are you American�, though, at a ratio of about three to one? I get �So what part of Ireland are you from?� Eh? Why, County Canada, of course. I suspect that my accent is beginning to fade. So much the better. I�m sick of the �Ooh, you�re foreign� discussion anyway. That�s only fun when you�re a tourist: not so much when you�re hung over on the bus on the way to work at 8AM. I�m going to start saying I�m from Coventry.