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2004-03-10

Carbs. Carbs. CARBS. If I never hear that non-word again, it’ll be too soon. For Christ’s sake, it’s “carbohydrates”: if you’re too lazy to pronounce an entire word, preferring instead to make yourself sound stupid by spouting off gimmicky catch-syllables, then your dimply ass is the least of your problems.

I hate the Herd and its mentality at the best of times, but this low-carb phenomenon is making me want to cut people’s faces off – except I needn’t bother with the killing, because the masses of pudgy lemmings are, in this instance, doing my work for me.

Here’s a visit from the reality fairy: carbohydrates are good for you. Carbohydrates are your body’s basic fuel. Carbohydrates are fruits and vegetables, and without them you will get sick and die. I promise! And here’s another tip from the land of sanity: a ribeye steak garnished with pork rinds is bad for you. It’s a heart attack on a plate. Eating less fruit and more steak is flat-out retarded, and I will go toe-to-toe with anyone who says otherwise – they’d better do their homework, too, because I will kick them in the ass with my footnotes. I know a lot about food, being fond, as I am, of eating, and also of not being fat and dead.

You can live on steak and cheese, and you will lose weight. You will be able to sit on the beach in your skimpy bikini, rubbing bacon grease all over your sexy naked flesh. You will lose weight, because in the absence of its primary source of fuel, the body will think that it is starving and will start dipping into its fat reserves. Basically, you will be making your body sick enough to start devouring itself, while pumping your arteries full of cholesterol and saturated fat. But, yes, you will lose weight, and nary a broccoli floret need cross your lips! And you will look fantastically trim in your revealing hospital gown as you undergo invasive surgery for rectal cancer!

Here’s the magic secret for healthy weight loss, in small words so even the retards can wrap their bacon-addled minds around it: Eat more vegetables. Eat less crap. Get off your lazy ass and go outside. The end! “Carbs” are not making you fat. Potatoes are not mysteriously imbued with evil little units of fat-maker. Junk food is making you fat. Refined, processed, sugary food is what you’re hauling around on your hips, and eating your Big Mac without the bun will not remedy the situation. And for the love of God, stop giving your money to the Atkins corporation for their creepy “low-carb” waffles and cookies and pasta. They’re Monsanto in a box, and they’ll give you the ass cancer faster than you can say, “Why does it hurt when I pee?

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