2004-01-05

Today is my first day back on the job after a week and a half of aggressive sloth; and you know, I was almost happy to come in to work. That is, until I woke up at six thirty in the morning and realized, �Fuck me, it�s six fucking thirty in the morning.� Who invented six thirty AM? Somebody I hate, that�s who.

Nevertheless, here I am, earning a living. Not by working, of course � things are still quiet as the grave in government-land � but by auctioning off my belongings on eBay in preparation for the Big Move. If you�ll allow me to shill for a moment: I have a Sony turntable and a professional-grade tattoo gun (with starter kit) for sale, at a mere fraction of what they�re worth. See! Both in their original packaging! See! Both never once used! See! Both gifts from my ex-boyfriend, who had my tastes down pat, but sadly failed to take into account my crippling lack of initiative in the realms of setting up a stereo and learning to use a tattoo gun.

Yes, a tattoo gun. It�s the perfect gift for the person who has everything! Why fuck around with impersonal electronics like DVD players when you can give the gift of permanent body modification? Nothing says �I love you� like a crappy tattoo that says �I love you.� You�ll thank me, I promise.