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2003-11-24

I’m usually not one to comment on current events, but I can’t let this pass unremarked. I have to address the army of halfwits who are actually holding candlelight vigils to “support” Michael Jackson.

First of all, it’s clear to anyone with eyeballs and enough gray matter to fill a thimble that Michael Jackson is not actually human: one look at his pinched, reptilian face makes it pretty obvious that his body was taken over by some sort of alien creature long ago. Not that this is germane to my argument, but I’m just saying – you are “supporting” a fucking space alien, people.

Now listen up, species traitors. The fact that “Michael Jackson” is nestled next to “Jamiroquai” in your sad little music collection, and the fact that you trot squealing to the dance floor when the first strains of “Billie Jean” waft from the speakers at your favourite singles club, do not make you smarter than an investigating police officer. No matter how many atonal karaoke renditions of “Smooth Criminal” you’ve belted into the listening night, you do not have unique insight into Michael Jackson’s character. I’m happy that you’re “sure” that he is innocent, but your slavish and unthinking determination to see Michael Jackson as an upstanding human being does not mean that you have any idea what he’s doing when he’s not in front of a rolling camera. YOU LIKE HIS MUSIC. That shouldn’t make you “sure” of anything except the deeply precarious status of your powers of discernment, and it sure as fuck isn’t a substitute for due process. It’s kind of you to come out and participate in Up With Baby-Danglers Day, but do everyone a favour and leave your candles at home; or, if you want to pay a real homage to your alien overlord, go stick them up a twelve-year-old’s ass. Retards.

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