2003-01-06

Blandman�s essay contest, topic #3: "My most socially disturbing and offensive opinion"

Thanks to Blandman for providing me with an excuse to be offensive. I can happily spew filth with no provocation whatsoever, but when someone asks for it, it just makes it all the sweeter.

So, with no further ado�I submit to the Committee the following, not-so-modest proposal. Ugly people, and stupid people, and those possessing all the myriad permutations of the preceding two characteristics, should not breed. And I�d like to see introduced some legislation to that effect.

I suspect that even Mother Theresa, if her homely ass were alive right now, would be hard pressed to deny that the world is pretty jam-packed with ugliness and stupidity. The human race as a whole is a festering Petri dish, overflowing with the most horrific imaginable perversions of mankind. Anyone who has ever taken public transit can attest to this fact. Every morning I feel like a fucking anthropologist � like I should be crouching behind a camouflage screen, back in the furthest corner of the bus, taking down detailed observations of the activities of the shambling, drooling, braying imbeciles who surround me. Listening to the unmitigated hebetude of their stilted social interactions, being subjected to their lurid aesthetic fatuity�it honestly makes me want to secede from the species. Something has to be done.

My initial, visceral response, when presented with the walking affronts to the senses that make up the majority of the population, is to simply wish that euthanasia were not only legal, but compulsory: you wear neon pink sweatpants? Whoops, sorry, that�s a bullet in the temple. You listen to REO Speedwagon? Off a tall building you go. You read Maxim�and believe it? Oh dear, I�m afraid I�ll have to give you a colonoscopy with this Roto-Rooter. But while discussing the direness of the situation over drinks recently, I was hit with a lightning bolt of inspiration. Why not appeal to the higher natures of the sad, smelly dregs of humanity? We�re at war here, folks � at war against a rising tide of human bilgewater, and damned if it�s not time for these freakish subhumans to do their part for the good of the race.

Take the high road, ugly people! Make the right choice, and simply refrain from reproducing! You can have sex all you want, as much as the idea of that happening makes the bile surge to my throat � just please, wrap up your knobby, deformed, stunted little bits. Make this shaved monkey house of a planet a better place, and end the shameful legacy of your DNA right here, right now. When it comes down to it, you�re really doing yourselves a favour as well: can you imagine the mewling atrocities your bestial couplings would produce? Yeah, I�d rather not either.

The government should step up to the plate here and make this transition easier � offering a complimentary vasectomy with every ticket purchase at Rob Schneider movies, for example, or giving out a lifetime supply of prophylactics to every fat, hysterical contestant on �The Price is Right�. Really, if we all work together, we can get this ball rolling. I have a dream, people! Someday, on some dewy, distant morn, I�ll be able to walk the streets in peace, without averting my eyes to suppress the urge to improve the faces of those around me by coating them with a viscous stream of projectile vomit.