2005-07-07

Triumph! London has secured the Summer Olympic Games for 2012, and around the nation the air is alive with an infectious spirit of apathetic bewilderment! In the streets can be heard spontaneous cries of, �We got the what now?�

World Wars aside, Britain is not a nation used to winning things, and I don�t think this Olympic bid has been taken very seriously; and cultural indifference aside, London is not exactly the intuitive choice for a large-scale sporting event. First of all, wouldn�t it make sense to hold the Summer Olympics in a country that has, you know, summer? (The 100 Yard Dash will become the 100 Yard Dash For Cover as England�s perpetual squalls settle over the racecourse! Tragic fatalities will occur on the high jump as contestants are strangled by the snagged hoods of their parkas!) Secondly, London is not exactly teeming with open space. Where are they planning to park these gigantic new architectural structures? They could barely squeeze in the stupid London Eye. They�re probably going to have to raze down a few spare bits and bobs; for instance, say, Battersea. (Oh well.) Maybe they�ll hold the nautical events in the Thames. (�Don�t mind the raw sewage! Just keep swimming!�)

�And I�m just receiving the news that London has, in fact, exploded. So there you go. The Olympics are obviously no good for anybody.

(God. I feel a bit sick, actually. This scary confusing mess is hitting a bit close to home. I just wish they�d quit claiming these explosions are due to a �power surge�. Right � a power surge that knocked out six Tube stations and a bus.)