2005-07-01

Happy Canada Day! I had honestly completely forgotten about it until my man Dangle helpfully posted a reminder on my comments page yesterday. As everyone knows, I’m inherently leery of overt displays of nationalism, and also, I’m very lazy, and so I hadn’t planned to make a fuss, and I certainly hadn’t expected anyone else to make one. But when I arrived at work this morning, I found a printed picture of a maple leaf taped to the door. “Aww!” I thought. “That’s nice of someone!” Then I opened the door and found a few printouts of Canadian flags on the walls, along with a map of Canada (in case there was any uncertainty regarding its whereabouts). “Wuh oh,” I thought. Then I rounded the corner and found my entire workspace covered with pictures of beavers, geese, bears and Mounties, and on top of that, my coworkers all standing in a row singing O Canada. Badly, off a printout, but still! And on top of that, they’d loaded my desk with a selection of Canadian ‘delicacies’…well, maple syrup and Canada Dry ginger ale and a peanut butter sandwich cut out in the shape of a maple leaf (that’s the full extent of Canada’s national cuisine right there). Isn’t that sweet? I’ve never in my life seen such a fuss made over Canada Day, and I lived in the goddamn capital. I’m sincerely touched. Makes me want to stay in England forever.

Although at this moment I am particularly proud of Canada for being the third nation in the world to legalise gay marriage. Damn straight! (Or not! It’s up to you!) I do have a sneaking suspicion that the legislation was passed in Parliament partially as a means of flashing a big ‘up yours’ to the American moral majority. Look out, scary Republicans! You’ve got a nation of pot-smoking pacifist pinko queers looming just to the north of you! Impose tariffs on our softwood lumber, will you? We’re gonna come down there and sodomise your sons!

And speaking of assholes, one thing I really do miss about Canada is pedestrian right-of-way. Yesterday I got into, count ‘em, three verbal altercations with drivers whilst trying to cross the road. Being the cocksure North American that I am, I tend to waltz blithely into the street at intersections, all “Well that car is half a block away and it’s the law that they have to stop at an intersection anyway or at least slow down WHOA! No, fuck you! No, fuck you! Yeah? GO FUCK YOURSELF!” Jesus Christ, I’ve jaywalked in New York City and met less irascible drivers (although trust me, you haven’t lived until you’ve heard Disco Doug all amped up on iced coffee cussing somebody out in traffic. He’s like Goodfellas in a purple hatchback). My last encounter yesterday was with a woman who actually pulled over and got out of her car to continue screaming at me (for crossing the street at a fucking intersection!) while her daughter stared wide-eyed out the back window. “Nice stuff you’re teaching your kid,” I said. “Really classy! I’m so happy you’re breeding!” If this sort of thing carries on I’m going to get a cramp in my saluting finger.