2005-07-01

Happy Canada Day! I had honestly completely forgotten about it until my man Dangle helpfully posted a reminder on my comments page yesterday. As everyone knows, I�m inherently leery of overt displays of nationalism, and also, I�m very lazy, and so I hadn�t planned to make a fuss, and I certainly hadn�t expected anyone else to make one. But when I arrived at work this morning, I found a printed picture of a maple leaf taped to the door. �Aww!� I thought. �That�s nice of someone!� Then I opened the door and found a few printouts of Canadian flags on the walls, along with a map of Canada (in case there was any uncertainty regarding its whereabouts). �Wuh oh,� I thought. Then I rounded the corner and found my entire workspace covered with pictures of beavers, geese, bears and Mounties, and on top of that, my coworkers all standing in a row singing O Canada. Badly, off a printout, but still! And on top of that, they�d loaded my desk with a selection of Canadian �delicacies��well, maple syrup and Canada Dry ginger ale and a peanut butter sandwich cut out in the shape of a maple leaf (that�s the full extent of Canada�s national cuisine right there). Isn�t that sweet? I�ve never in my life seen such a fuss made over Canada Day, and I lived in the goddamn capital. I�m sincerely touched. Makes me want to stay in England forever.

Although at this moment I am particularly proud of Canada for being the third nation in the world to legalise gay marriage. Damn straight! (Or not! It�s up to you!) I do have a sneaking suspicion that the legislation was passed in Parliament partially as a means of flashing a big �up yours� to the American moral majority. Look out, scary Republicans! You�ve got a nation of pot-smoking pacifist pinko queers looming just to the north of you! Impose tariffs on our softwood lumber, will you? We�re gonna come down there and sodomise your sons!

And speaking of assholes, one thing I really do miss about Canada is pedestrian right-of-way. Yesterday I got into, count �em, three verbal altercations with drivers whilst trying to cross the road. Being the cocksure North American that I am, I tend to waltz blithely into the street at intersections, all �Well that car is half a block away and it�s the law that they have to stop at an intersection anyway or at least slow down WHOA! No, fuck you! No, fuck you! Yeah? GO FUCK YOURSELF!� Jesus Christ, I�ve jaywalked in New York City and met less irascible drivers (although trust me, you haven�t lived until you�ve heard Disco Doug all amped up on iced coffee cussing somebody out in traffic. He�s like Goodfellas in a purple hatchback). My last encounter yesterday was with a woman who actually pulled over and got out of her car to continue screaming at me (for crossing the street at a fucking intersection!) while her daughter stared wide-eyed out the back window. �Nice stuff you�re teaching your kid,� I said. �Really classy! I�m so happy you�re breeding!� If this sort of thing carries on I�m going to get a cramp in my saluting finger.