2005-05-11

Goat�s Head Mystery Solved! And yet again, what appears at first glance to be satanic cult activity turns out to be simple laziness. If I only had a dime.

The preceding is an example of the arch criminal activity that keeps Canada�s police force on their toes each and every day. Everyone knows the American TV series COPS, yeah? Lots of kicking in of doors and pointing of guns and tackling of fleeing suspects and swearing and violence and fun? Everyone loves COPS! Well, not to be outdone, Canadian television networks decided to launch an equivalent program about the Vancouver Police, called To Serve and Protect. Every week on CTV there was another thrilling half-hour of�bored-looking officers asking drunks to behave themselves. And that was the show. I used to watch it for comic relief. One episode featured a guy who was so drunk he was trying to start his truck with a quarter. Another show followed the misadventures of two (drunk) Pakistani tourists who passed out on the beach at the Okanagan Regatta and who, true to stereotype, kept repeating �Thank you very much� as they were hauled off to the drunk tank. And once, there was this wild party, and the cops had to knock on the door and tell them to turn the music down�TWICE! Whew! Who needs gun-toting drug lords? We�ve got lager-sodden frat boys! That�s top law-enforcement action right there! They should have called the show To Admonish and Mildly Reprimand.

I�ve taken to walking to work, because it is actually faster than taking the bus and leaves me feeling healthier and less homicidal. Every day I pass a � what would you call it � gravestone shop? Memorial emporium? Anyway, they�ve got samples of their wares on display in the window, as shops do (a kindly reminder of my mortality as I trudge towards eight hours of joyless labour). They�ve put up one gravestone featuring samples of different images that can be selected to give your eternal monument that personal touch, one of which is the logo of the Portsmouth Football Club. I mean, really. Wearing a team jersey is one thing. Getting the logo tattooed is another. But commemorating the very fact of your Earthly existence with the badge of your local football team? Bit much, innit? I guess that�s what they mean by die-hard fans. What I want to know is whether the Premier League gets royalties on monument branding. Why overlook the crucial market of the newly departed? If David Beckham can branch into hair product sales, surely he can shill his ass in a funeral parlour.