2004-03-23

The cruelty of the week �round this chicken hutch is the �Business Resumption Plan,� which I was assigned over a month ago and which I�ve recently found myself unable to avoid working on. The BRP, as it�s known in the 'hood, is an ass-covering token gesture foisted on the working masses by upper management as a display of initiative following last summer�s blackout. The thought process was something like this: �Wow, when the lights went out we really lost our shit. How embarrassing. How can we distract our subordinates from the glaring spectacle of our incompetence? I know! Let�s make them write up a plan for what to do in the infinitesimal chance that this happens again! And let�s give it a snappy acronym for a title! Fuck me I love acronyms. Now, where�s that roasted ocelot I ordered?�

�At least, that�s how I imagine the meeting went.

So I get to cobble this thing together. The whole process is stupidity squared, since we�re trying to write a concrete plan based around a vague and completely hypothetical situation: it�s supposed to be our catch-all �action plan� in case of any �emergency,� whether it be a snow day or a nuclear assault. The best part of it is that the plan, once finalized, will be printed in binders and kept in our offices � so while we�re all fleeing the scene of this nebulous �emergency,� we�re supposed to keep a clear head: �Dude! Fuck the guy in the wheelchair! Grab the binder! THE BINDER!!!�

I�d like to create an action plan that might actually be useful in an emergency more dire than a sudden shortage of toilet paper. My vision is thus: the plan should be divided into sections according to the level of the emergency � similar to the US government�s innovative colour-coded terrorist alert system. Except that colour-coding is so jejune. I�d accord each level a heavy metal album title, because nothing says �impending apocalypse� like lots of umlauts.

Level 1: �Open Up and Say�Ahh!�

The printer has run out of toner! Attempt to remain calm. Immediately e-mail your manager and advise him/her that you are activating the BRP to compensate for equipment failure. Advise your manager that this may take several hours. Proceed to a designated contact area, preferably one with a patio. Order a malt beverage.

Level 2: �Danger Danger�

There has been a power shortage. Upon becoming aware of the situation, disseminate the information to your colleagues by calling out over your cubicle wall, �What the fuck happened to the lights?� Conserve heat and energy by placing feet on desk and reclining to approximately a forty-five degree angle. You should have prepared in advance for this scenario by eliminating all useless paper copies of any extant work assignments, thus bringing the possibility of excess expenditure of energy to a minimum.

Level 3: �Wake Me When It�s Over�

The western hemisphere is a smoking crater. Proceed as follows: Shit pants. Make stupid face. Disintegrate into composite elements. Be sure to fill out the requisite leave of absence forms, checking section 998, marked �Extinction of Species.�

And so on. Yes, my friends, this is why they pay me the big bucks.