2004-03-19

Dawn of the Dead opens tonight! I am slavering with excitement! I don�t know if I should give in and go on opening weekend, though � I like hordes of mindless freaks just fine on the screen, but I don�t so much like being in a theatre packed full of them. Going to movies on opening night is as much fun as going through rush hour traffic in the back of a livestock truck, except without the satisfaction of knowing that your jostling crate-mates will soon be causing their own little traffic jams in somebody�s colon.

I hate crowds. I hate them as a whole, and I hate their composite parts. If you want me to hate you, just surround yourself with a lot of other human beings, and hey presto! I want to shove you in front of a subway train, at just the right angle and velocity so your body gets horribly twisted around but you�re still conscious, looking down at your own mangled spine and waiting for death! I don�t care if you�re my mom! I hate you!

Of course, I�m Canadian, so that doesn�t help: it�s actually the law here that if someone bumps into you, you say, �I�m sorry.� It doesn�t matter whose fault it was � you apologize. The other day, I thought the woman next to me on the bus wanted to get off, so I moved out of her way, and when she didn�t move, I said, �Oh, sorry,� and sat back down. This is actually the reason Canadians invented hockey: we needed an excuse to hit each other with sticks. The puck and skates were totally incidental.