Newest Archives Contact Guestbook Profile Photos Host

2004-03-02

And lo, I say unto you, what�s with the Biblical theme in my media diet lately? Not Wanted on the Voyage, which I�m reading now, is the story of the Flood � complete with talking cat, of course � and The Mandelbaum Gate, which I just finished, and which I picked pretty randomly off the shelf at the library, was all about Judaism and Christianity and Islam and tension in the Holy Land and so forth (except much less political than it sounds. Good, but could have used more talking cats). Then on Friday I rented The Order. I knew it would be the Gospel According to Suck, but I am fond of religious thrillers: anything where inexplicably attractive priests are waging battle against the minions of the underworld, and/or the Catholic Church is Up To Something (isn�t it always? Cheeky ideological oligarchy!) I will pretty much watch, tempest-level gales of Suck be damned. So to speak. This means that I have voluntarily sat through Bless the Child, Lost Souls and End of Days, which have collectively taught me that when the forces of Hell rise up and take over the earth, as they inevitably will in the vaguely-not-too-distant future, they will be badly computer animated and really, hella boring. That�s more useful information than I ever got in Sunday school. I have also sat through Stigmata and Ninth Gate, which seemed comparatively quite good.

The Order, though. Wow. That was just astonishingly bad. Not-even-worth-going-into kind of bad, although I will mention that it is advisable, when choosing an actor to play a sinister immortal being, to get Christopher Walken to play the part as he was born to do, rather than choosing someone who looks and �acts� like he just walked off the set of a Bud Light ad. �Dude, I am so evil! Let�s do a beer bong! Woo!� Whatev.

Anyway, I think all this media-promulgated religion is a sign from God. I am a firm believer in signs, so long as they say something I want to hear. In this instance, I read the following: Catholic priests are Hott, and compliantly non-celibate when faced with chicks who have the devil in them. Good to know! Thanks, God! I think I�ll buy a new Wonder Bra and head for the Vatican.

previous | next