2004-02-18

You look lost, my darlings. You look beaten down by the world, sad and hopeless and unsure of yourselves. But take heart! I know what you need, because I’m smarter than you. What you need is for someone who is smarter than you to tell you what you need. And I’ve got just the thing to scratch that itch:

Universal Donor’s ‘Fear Not’ Guide to Life!

This guide will help you navigate all of life’s tricky situations: learn to be a better lover! Win friends and influence people! Cook a perfect risotto! Build a time machine! Get rid of that not-so-fresh feeling – forever!

All this and more can be yours if you order the latest issue of ‘Fear Not.’ If you can’t bring yourself to cough up two measly bucks to get your grubbing hands on the best zine ever written, then I honestly don’t know what else I can do for you. You may as well just peel back the top of your skull like a sardine tin and give the zombies a spoon.

And I’m not just saying all this because Jeremy gave me free stuff. No! I’m also saying it because he fucks like a monster truck.