2004-02-18

You look lost, my darlings. You look beaten down by the world, sad and hopeless and unsure of yourselves. But take heart! I know what you need, because I�m smarter than you. What you need is for someone who is smarter than you to tell you what you need. And I�ve got just the thing to scratch that itch:

Universal Donor�s �Fear Not� Guide to Life!

This guide will help you navigate all of life�s tricky situations: learn to be a better lover! Win friends and influence people! Cook a perfect risotto! Build a time machine! Get rid of that not-so-fresh feeling � forever!

All this and more can be yours if you order the latest issue of �Fear Not.� If you can�t bring yourself to cough up two measly bucks to get your grubbing hands on the best zine ever written, then I honestly don�t know what else I can do for you. You may as well just peel back the top of your skull like a sardine tin and give the zombies a spoon.

And I�m not just saying all this because Jeremy gave me free stuff. No! I�m also saying it because he fucks like a monster truck.