2004-02-13

I called my mom a Satanist yesterday. I e-mailed her to see if she’d be around on Sunday so I could wish her and my father happy birthday (my parents’ birthdays are the day before and the day after Valentine’s Day – say it with me now: Awwwwww – but I can never keep straight which is which). She told me they’d be in all day, since they’re skipping church to get some work done. I e-mailed back: “Satanists. OK, I’ll talk to you then.” This tickles me, because calling your mom a Satanist is just so eighties.

OK, yes, my parents are churchgoers – I am just that much of a WASP. Their outward devotion is odd, though, because they’re shitty Christians: not in the sense of failing to Do Unto Others and that crap; just in the sense that they, you know, don’t actually believe in Christ, as such. Pair of heathens, really. But that’s alright, because they’re Anglican, and on the Anglican list of eligibility criteria, “belief in God” is somewhere well below “eats salad with correct fork.”

Ah, the Church of England. Formed not by a theological schism, but by a royal temper tantrum – now you can have your divorce and eat fish too! It’s Catholicism Lite: all the overbearing pomp without the fuss about sin and salvation. Like a social club, with hymn books. Turner of mothers into Satanists.

So it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow, and that means I can’t go to the food court today. Tarnation! It’s my own fault, though – I made the mistake of just waking up and all willy-nilly putting on the first shirt I grabbed, forgetting that the mall is having their yearly Retard Roundup: according to their promotional signs, single people are to wear red today to signify that they’re “looking.” Yeah, looking for lunch in all the wrong places. I have one red shirt, and when I put it on I was pretty much just looking to keep my tits warm; I certainly wasn’t trying to emblazon my heart with a big red target for Cupid’s arrows. Now if I venture towards the salad bar I’m risking attracting the attentions of some scary mouth-breather in a pair of red Velcro sneakers. Fucking stupid Christian martyrs and errant Roman deities! They ruin it for everyone.