2004-02-13

I called my mom a Satanist yesterday. I e-mailed her to see if she�d be around on Sunday so I could wish her and my father happy birthday (my parents� birthdays are the day before and the day after Valentine�s Day � say it with me now: Awwwwww � but I can never keep straight which is which). She told me they�d be in all day, since they�re skipping church to get some work done. I e-mailed back: �Satanists. OK, I�ll talk to you then.� This tickles me, because calling your mom a Satanist is just so eighties.

OK, yes, my parents are churchgoers � I am just that much of a WASP. Their outward devotion is odd, though, because they�re shitty Christians: not in the sense of failing to Do Unto Others and that crap; just in the sense that they, you know, don�t actually believe in Christ, as such. Pair of heathens, really. But that�s alright, because they�re Anglican, and on the Anglican list of eligibility criteria, �belief in God� is somewhere well below �eats salad with correct fork.�

Ah, the Church of England. Formed not by a theological schism, but by a royal temper tantrum � now you can have your divorce and eat fish too! It�s Catholicism Lite: all the overbearing pomp without the fuss about sin and salvation. Like a social club, with hymn books. Turner of mothers into Satanists.

So it�s Valentine�s Day tomorrow, and that means I can�t go to the food court today. Tarnation! It�s my own fault, though � I made the mistake of just waking up and all willy-nilly putting on the first shirt I grabbed, forgetting that the mall is having their yearly Retard Roundup: according to their promotional signs, single people are to wear red today to signify that they�re �looking.� Yeah, looking for lunch in all the wrong places. I have one red shirt, and when I put it on I was pretty much just looking to keep my tits warm; I certainly wasn�t trying to emblazon my heart with a big red target for Cupid�s arrows. Now if I venture towards the salad bar I�m risking attracting the attentions of some scary mouth-breather in a pair of red Velcro sneakers. Fucking stupid Christian martyrs and errant Roman deities! They ruin it for everyone.