2004-02-05

I�m finally getting around to reading this year�s Speech from the Throne � I figure it�s my duty as a Canadian and as a public servant to know what the government claims to be doing for its citizens; also, there�s not much going on over at Damn Hell Ass Kings this morning. So I�m reading it, and it irritates me right off the bat that the whole thing has to start with an obligatory round of Rah Rah Canada self-promoting blather about �Canadian values� and how wonderful those are. Get off it. Is this really necessary? You�re not selling a used car here, Ms. Clarkson. Your target demographic for this speech already lives in Canada and is thus, we can safely assume, fairly sold on the whole notion of being Canadian. We are signed up. We�re not fleeing across the border in droves, despite the sheer ridiculousness of the climate, so let�s just say that we�re fine with the concept of Canada in general and leave it at that, shall we please?

In fact, if you really want to get me all heartwarmed and misty-eyed about my native soil, a bunch of posturing about �justice� and �decency� is precisely the wrong way to go about it. Canadians are notoriously bad at being loudly patriotic. Americans can work themselves into a lather about freedom while standing defiantly before a slow-motion rippling flag and it goes over just fine, but when Canadians do it, it smacks of disingenuousness. It doesn�t sell. We didn�t create this country in a bombastic fit of idealism: we had a meeting about it at some point, and forming a country was voted a cracker idea, and so we wrote a nice letter to the Queen and then everyone had tea. Or something. We�re comfortable with our sense of ourselves as being quite good enough, and not bad at some things, and not usually hated by the French, unless they live here. It doesn�t make for rousing speeches at football games, but we�re too busy shoveling our cars out of the snow to notice.

And so, in the spirit of liking my country just fine, thank you! I�ve come up with a few catchy slogans for future inspiring missives from our heads of state.

�Canada: really quite large.�

�Canada: a great place to store your stuff.�

�Canada: French fries and gravy! You�re welcome.�

�Canada: world�s best runner-up!�

�Canada: we probably won�t shoot you.�

�Canada: sometimes it�s not cold.�

�Canada: the place where �honour� has a U.�

Now if you�ll excuse me, I have to go iron my flag.