2004-01-14

I promised myself that this year I would not, under any circumstances, use this forum to complain about the weather, because complaining about the weather is pointless and boring. And�well, I made it to the middle of January, which I think is pretty good. It�s just that it becomes impossible, at a certain point in mid-winter, to even think about non-weather things, because the weather in this accursed part of the world is all-pervasive. Enduring an Ottawa winter is like being hunted by something with nasty big pointy teeth: pretty much all your resources are devoted to general avoidance procedures and generally freaking the fuck out.

And every year around this time, I start going a little bit crazy � I�m not talking �Gosh, that incessant snow is driving me nuts!� crazy, either: more like �sitting on the floor, glassy-eyed, clutching my head with both hands, completely unable to even contemplate the prospect of going out there again� crazy. Every autumn, I think I�ll make it though the upcoming winter just fine � I�ve been living in Canada my entire fucking life, after all, and the meteorological realities of sub-Arctic existence are hardly a mystery to me. But every year, the sheer apocalyptic immediacy of the FUCKING GODDAMN COLD catches me off-guard: it�s impossible to really, genuinely remember the sensation of �thirty below plus windchill� when you�re not having your face cleaved off by it.

You guys: I can�t take it. Even the knowledge that this will be my last Ottawa winter ever, praise be, is scant consolation when I�ve been walking for one fucking block outside and my breath, coming up over the edges of the scarf that is wound three times around my head, has frozen my eyelashes together. After three blocks, the cold has made short work of my multiple layers of clothing, and my legs are burning and I can�t feel my fingertips. After five blocks, I just want to cry, but I can�t because my entire face will freeze solid. And what with dog-walking and getting to and from the bus stop, I�m outside for over an hour every single day. My entire life has been reduced to preparation for outside-time and recovery from it. Seriously � I would just give up and go insane, only I don�t think it�s warm there.

Why do people live here? Why isn�t the entire stupid city covered with a hermetic, element-proof dome? We have the fucking technology, and don�t even try to convince me that we don�t, because everyone knows that all the efforts of our military go towards fighting the big bad weather. When you show up in boot camp here in Canada, they don�t issue you a gun � you get a snowblower. I want to live in a biodome, and that�s final. Ack argh!