2003-12-23

Talking about your dreams is lame and boring to anyone who doesn�t live inside your skull. That said, I�ve been having crazy-ass dreams this week. A few days ago, I dreamt I was nearly crushed by a gigantic camel. I almost wish this dream would come true, because being killed by an oversized camel would make for one hell of a gravestone inscription.

And last night�OK, I�m embarrassed to cop to this one. My subconscious evidently needs therapy. I dreamt about a porno deli (of which there should obviously be one on every corner). What made this deli a �porno� deli, you ask? Well, for starters, all the employees were nekkid � except for latex gloves and hairnets, of course. Wouldn�t want to be unsanitary! And, upon request, you could have them rub your sandwich, mid-preparation, over the nekkid body part of your choice. I don�t know if using bare nipples to tenderize bologna adds flavour or what, but there you have it. And�oh dear�for an added fee, you could get the �secret sauce.� Yes, that�s exactly what you think it is. Why can�t I just have sex dreams like everyone else? For Christ�s sake, when I think to myself that I�d like to be the meat in a Paul Bettany-Nick Moran sandwich, I mean it figuratively! FIGURATIVELY, I say! Stupid subconscious.

Now that I�ve thoroughly shamed myself, I�ll shame myself some more by exposing my vulnerable geeky underbelly: last night I went to see The Return of the King, and it totally ruled. I think it was the best of the trilogy. I mean, it was pretty much what you�d expect � lots of impassioned speeches and slow-motion �running-screaming-brandishing-sword� shots � but dude, it�s Tolkien: he invented the genre, and if evil overlords riding around on dragons are a pretty tired clich� it�s because every hack fantasy writer and their dog has been liberally ripping him off for half a century. Although I will admit that Peter Jackson would have been well advised, considering the prevalence of sniggering �hobbit on hobbit homoeroticism� commentary in the online community, to have the joyful reunion between Frodo, Merry et al take place someplace other than a bed. Not that there�s anything wrong with gay hobbits, of course. Some of my best friends have been gay hobbits. I�ve even been known to quaff a pint of mead in a gay hobbit nightclub from time to time, as my fellow patrons do the hornpipe in leather hot pants.

Holy shit I�m a loser today. Please forget that you even know me.

Oh, but before you do: Happy holidays, and such.