2003-12-08

What is the function of wax paper, pray? According to the product’s own packaging, it is “ideal for baking.” I think perhaps I’ll call the manufacturers and ask them to use the word “ideal” for me in a sentence, as so: “Ideally, I’d like to eat my food and not have to pick charred bits of paper from between my teeth,” because I think we may have slightly differing interpretations of the word. Useless shit. To think I parted with a dollar thirty-five for this mockery of a non-stick cooking surface! Fie!

Speaking of useless things that are not at all what they purport to be, I’m really not sure why I keep allowing myself to watch movies that have Keanu Reeves in them. Why do people keep referring to Keanu Reeves as an “actor,” and, even more disturbingly, as “hot”? He is neither of those things; he is so decidedly, so purposefully neither of those things that I’m starting to think he’s a spy, infiltrating Hollywood under some creepy mass cover-up conspiracy deal: it’s the only explanation for Sweet November, which I recently inflicted upon myself. I swear to you, there was nothing else on – dear God, I tell you I had no choice. There should be a warning on that movie: “No matter how bad you think this might be, it is actually MUCH, MUCH WORSE.” The plot was so gruesomely contrived, so horribly stilted and clichéd that it was actually a merciful distraction to watch Keanu and Charlize do their utmost to impersonate a set of bookends. Gak! At the end I actually felt my sensibilities twitch, like a slug under a salt shaker.