2003-12-08

What is the function of wax paper, pray? According to the product�s own packaging, it is �ideal for baking.� I think perhaps I�ll call the manufacturers and ask them to use the word �ideal� for me in a sentence, as so: �Ideally, I�d like to eat my food and not have to pick charred bits of paper from between my teeth,� because I think we may have slightly differing interpretations of the word. Useless shit. To think I parted with a dollar thirty-five for this mockery of a non-stick cooking surface! Fie!

Speaking of useless things that are not at all what they purport to be, I�m really not sure why I keep allowing myself to watch movies that have Keanu Reeves in them. Why do people keep referring to Keanu Reeves as an �actor,� and, even more disturbingly, as �hot�? He is neither of those things; he is so decidedly, so purposefully neither of those things that I�m starting to think he�s a spy, infiltrating Hollywood under some creepy mass cover-up conspiracy deal: it�s the only explanation for Sweet November, which I recently inflicted upon myself. I swear to you, there was nothing else on � dear God, I tell you I had no choice. There should be a warning on that movie: �No matter how bad you think this might be, it is actually MUCH, MUCH WORSE.� The plot was so gruesomely contrived, so horribly stilted and clich�d that it was actually a merciful distraction to watch Keanu and Charlize do their utmost to impersonate a set of bookends. Gak! At the end I actually felt my sensibilities twitch, like a slug under a salt shaker.